Date: 02/10/2012 01:40 AM Title: Checkmated
I figured out how to describe this story...disappointing (nothing personal!). The writing really is good--the pace, the bantering, the tone--but the most memorable trait of this story is what it lacks.
It lacks an ending for one. It lacks true characterizations (how is Hermione so experienced with flirting?). It lacks a strong reason for why Ron would forgive Harry or Hermione so suddenly. It lacks a reason for why Ron takes all the blame for the H/Hr hookup, and why he's the only one who has to apologize.
I'll admit that I'm a R/Hr fan, so I was never going to like Harry sleeping with Hermione. But I've read stories like that before and I've gotten past it...but not here. Harry and Hermione are just so unlikeable in this story. Truly. I mean, seeing Harry blame Ron for Harry shagging Hermione...best friends don't sleep with the girl the friend is in love with, and then blame the other friend. That's something Malfoy does. "It's your fault I fell in and out and in and out of her!"
I mean, seeing Harry's reaction completely destroys any credibility for Harry and Ron's relationship to get back on track. Harry betrayed Ron, lied about it, and then got angry at Ron when Ron found out! Lol, are you serious? I'd love to know what your thought process was and if you think 2 males could reconcile over this in real life lol. With Harry's complete lack of contrition, I don't think so, but this is fiction I guess.
Also, Hermione is so bipolar. She wants Ron to love her, but on her terms. Everyone gets angry at Ron for having fun with other girls, but Hermione's within her rights to shag Harry and then gloat about it when Ron gets upset? What a complete lack of tact. Ron can't say I love you in the heat of the moment...does he need to be riding on a stallion? Why would I root for them to get together as a couple when she's so irritating? I was really hoping for them to break up at the end, which I never do.
I also read in a review that you didn't care about either boy's actions but sympathized with Hermione...why does Hermione deserve sympathy? She just sat on her arse waiting for Ron to come to her; she never did anything about it. Isn't she all about the equality of the sexes...why can't she tell Ron she likes him instead of this crap about "needing" to shag someone to feel something? I just don't get it...it makes her seem like a self-centered teenager (which she still is), but it conflicts heavily with the attempted portrayal of her as someone deep in love.
And I think it's a bit of a shame that you didn't care about the boys' reactions...I think the story suffers from it, because there is no cause and effect in the last half of the story. It just exists with no emotional or physical framework.
Anyway, there's my review. You probably don't care what I have to say lol, which is fine, but I had to say it for my own sanity. This story could have been quite good, but the cognitive dissonance fostered by the H/Hr fallout mortally wounded this story...but that's just my non-expert opinion! I'm sure you could still out-write me...as long as there's no H/Hr lol.
Date: 02/10/2012 12:55 AM Title: Shameless Advances
This story is sort of veering off the road here...they just started snogging but now they're head over heels with each other? Hermione's started to freak out because Ron hasn't said "I love you" within the first 5 minutes of kissing her?
It seems like I've stumbled into a Gossip Girl story or something. Hopefully things will get more rational/believable in future chapters.
Author's Response: Well I can for sure tell you it does not. :) This was my first story, written literally ten years ago, and yes it is majorly flawed. I'm still rather fond of it, though, but don't mind if you aren't. :)
Date: 02/10/2012 12:41 AM Title: Countered
I find Harry's suggestion to Ron--dragging Hermione into a closet to snog her--ironic. Harry knows it would work because he already tried it...except when Harry took Hermione in there, she was the one with the cream filling, not the eclair. Somehow I don't think Ron would give Harry a medal if he knew where Harry got the idea.
Date: 10/02/2009 07:46 PM Title: Sanctuary
Wow - this was outstanding. Nicely done. What I liked the most about your story is that even though it ended up being AU, it still made perfect sense. In fact, aspects of this story could have easily happened behind the scenes without us even knowing it. Especially Harry and Hermione - friends filling a need; Ron just assuming Hermione knows he loves her, but doesn't say it - these are all things that teenagers do every day. I'm not so sure why everyone is so surprised. Even though they are wizards, they are also teenage humans. And Ginny as a seer - that's just brillant. So again - BRAVA - be proud of your work.
Author's Response: Ah! This was SO lovely to have in my inbox! Thank you so much for reading and for leaving such a thoughtful comment. It made me very happy. <3
Date: 09/03/2009 07:37 AM Title: Sanctuary
The fight and that intense argument between the four was a welcome and surprising twist! Lots of loose ends all tied up at one go. I must say the characters came across as a little too worldly but I suppose that was well suited to your plot. Good piece, kind of like the 1st Matrix movie. A sleeper hit that is more than it seems to be. :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much! Yeah, I think I was in a philosophical phase of my life at that point. ;)
Date: 10/18/2008 10:04 AM Title: The Plan
I really liked this story,till I learned who Hermione's first really was.I found the whole H/Hr chapter quite disturbing & extremely OOC for both.Would Harry of all people sleep with the girl his bestfriend loves?Would Hermione risk destroying their friendships just to get an ego boost?Hell, if for some odd reason Malfoy complimented her on her looks would she have shagged him first?
Date: 10/12/2008 08:21 PM Title: Sanctuary
I enjoyed this story. Apart from the Harry/Hermione part. Though I like Ron, I'm not a shipper. However as JKR made the canon pairings quite clear, H/H immediately needs at least one of them to be out of character. Which is fair enough seing as it's your universe! H/H is ok on it's own, but combined with R/H not so much.
Harry's such a worrywort over sleeping with Ron's sister. If he knew how Ron felt (even if he wasn't acting on it) would he really go there? Plus would he or Hermone risk their friendship for a comfort shag? I wish she'd chosen Neville - that wouldn't have felt so squalid, no matter how they tried to dress it up. Also, don't try to tell me that Ginny would have been so understanding, with Hermione already knowing how she felt about Harry. H/H didn't act like decent friends.
Still I really enjoyed the beginning of it!
Date: 03/27/2008 11:55 AM Title: Sanctuary
I just pretty much read all of this in one go, having somehow missed it when it was originally posted. My eyes are watering now from the strain, so if I type something stupid here, chalk it up to my not being able to see properly.
I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed the story overall ... all the teasing between Ron & Hermione with the eclairs and such was completely delicious and really kept the tension high for the reader.
I wasn't "bothered" by the whole Harry/Hermione thing, except that I do think it is a bit of a character stretch for Harry ... I mean, if he was worried about kissing Ginny because she's Ron's sister, it's a bit of a stretch to think he'd have sex with Hermione knowing Ron loved her. I'm not mentioning that as a criticism, because I think the whole Harry/Hermione interlude was quite hot, and the fallout afterward was quite believable, so it really did add to the story.
My only complaint - if you could call it that - would be where you stopped. I sort of feel the need for the whole battle thing to play out now that we've had one attack and are expecting another ... even though I see the logic in leaving off at a hopeful stage.
At any rate, very well written ... I enjoyed it very much!
Youch, I don't think even *I* can read it in one go without my eyes crossing. :applauds you:
Yeah, you caught me on the ending. >.> Basically I chickened out after discovering JUST HOW HARD writing action is. Writing that one battle killed me. Repeatedly. >.> And the story'd been in the works for over two years and needed to end. ^^
Thank you VERY MUCH for reading and for leaving an awesome, thoughtful, kind review! It made my day. :D
Date: 03/25/2008 06:36 PM Title: The Plan
I wanted to say again how much I love this story--always have as you know :)
I also wanted to comment on the Harry/Hermione angle-I thought this was so brilliant and so believable that anyone who got upset with that turn was insane :)
Author's Response: Awww, Annie, I <3 you so hard. Thank you.
Date: 02/03/2008 05:47 PM Title: Checkmated
Holy, oh my god, I can't believe it all came out like this. I thought I was suprised when we found out that Hermione wasn't a virgin but with harry? you are just full of surprises
Author's Response: Wheee! I'm glad you were surprised! :D:D
Date: 01/05/2007 01:26 AM Title: Sanctuary
Yay! I'm so glad you finished it! And the ending is great...it's gives hope, which is really the perfect ending. Plus, you've given me the ambition to finish the fic that I have started on checkmated, and haven't updated in soooo long, it's shameful.
zomg yay! That's a great review. Thank you! NOW GO WRITE! :D:D